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Scene: We are sitting on the sofa, IKEA catalog between us. Lights-up in mid-conversation.

Monster X: (Whining) I want this bed, my bed is awful and hurts my back. I want this one (she points to an IKEA bed with a canopy on it’s second level) for Christmas, please!
Me: I am not getting you a bed tonight, you can just say it’s nice.
MX: For Christmas? You’ll get it for me for Christmas?
Me: No, I am not getting you that bed.
MX: (Really working it) Please! It’s the bed I need! Get it for me for Christmas!
Me: Hey, since we got on the subject, what are you getting me for Christmas?
MX: (Taken aback, eyes wide) Oh… ah… it’s a secret until… Christmas morning? And the bed is…?
Me: What are you getting me?
MX: I… need…. to… talk to Mommy. (Runs from room, tripping in haste)

Monster X: (Singing along with the t.v. on which the PBS station has an system whereby viewers can choose the Friday afternoon programming) Peanut of choice!
Me: Nope.
MX: What?
Me: America was founded on the idea of freedom of choice. Not peanut of choice.
MX: You are free to choose your own peanut.
Me: Swing and a miss.
MX: Awwwwwee!

The Colonel reports that Monster X has on at least one occasion properly “air quoted” her.

Earlier…

Monster X: (Bounding into our bed early in the morning. She is naked as her room “was warm.” After snuggling with her mother.) These are my nipples!
The Colonel: Yes.
MX: And these are your boobies!
TC: Yes… yes they are.
MX (Long pause): When will I get boobies!?

I am sitting at my desk at work. It is silent except for my own typing. The phone double-chirps which means it is an outside line. In all likelihood this call is coming from only one place.

Me: Hello.
Monster X: (With extreme seriousness, conspiratorially) Do you believe what I believe?
Me: What honey? Hello?
MX: (Whispering) Do you believe what I believe? Answer now.
Me: What are you believing that I should also be believing in?
MX: What?
Me: What do you believe?
MX: Mommy says that she has eyes in the back of her head but I don’t believe that. Do you believe that?
Me: Put your mother on the phone.
MX: (Whispering) OK, but don’t tell her what I believe.

Recent phrases from Monster X:

• After The Colonel made a comment that we may run errands in a different order than suggested: “Stick to the plan, mom, stick to the plan.”
• After Her Grandfather pointed out that the sump pump “sure had a lot of gunk.”: “You can say that again.”
• Driving into town to get ice cream: “Remember the time we got ice cream and there was that dog there that got all excited. He was hopping and hopping, just barking away, he was funny… Good times, good times.

All you readers looking for cute baby stories may look away for a moment.

My friend Michael Curtis has written a book called The Dungeon Alphabet: An A-to-Z Reference for Classic Dungeon Design. It’s based on some posts from Michael’s excellent and thought provoking Old School D&D blog The Society of Torch, Pole and Rope. Judging from the original posts this will be one of the greatest gaming books ever. For those in the know the Michael Curtis’ gaming book has an introduction by David “Zeb” Cook. For those not in the know that is like Martin “Marty” Scorsese giving you a write up in the Times. It’s big and I couldn’t be more proud of Michael Curtis for writing his excellent, entertaining and “two thumbs up” The Dungeon Alphabet An A-to-Z Reference for Classic Dungeon Design.

Buy six of them.