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Recent phrases from Monster X:

• After The Colonel made a comment that we may run errands in a different order than suggested: “Stick to the plan, mom, stick to the plan.”
• After Her Grandfather pointed out that the sump pump “sure had a lot of gunk.”: “You can say that again.”
• Driving into town to get ice cream: “Remember the time we got ice cream and there was that dog there that got all excited. He was hopping and hopping, just barking away, he was funny… Good times, good times.

All you readers looking for cute baby stories may look away for a moment.

My friend Michael Curtis has written a book called The Dungeon Alphabet: An A-to-Z Reference for Classic Dungeon Design. It’s based on some posts from Michael’s excellent and thought provoking Old School D&D blog The Society of Torch, Pole and Rope. Judging from the original posts this will be one of the greatest gaming books ever. For those in the know the Michael Curtis’ gaming book has an introduction by David “Zeb” Cook. For those not in the know that is like Martin “Marty” Scorsese giving you a write up in the Times. It’s big and I couldn’t be more proud of Michael Curtis for writing his excellent, entertaining and “two thumbs up” The Dungeon Alphabet An A-to-Z Reference for Classic Dungeon Design.

Buy six of them.

I have a pool at work and this is why I work where I work according to Monster X. To be accurate I do not have a pool where I work. Where I work has a pool and I work there so I can use this pool at designated hours. No matter who has what and what manner of access I have to it there is a pool and Monster X thinks my hours of access to it are far too limited. What is the point of a large body of water enclosed in an echo chamber if one can not swim and scream it it at a moments notice?

When she was first allowed to swim in this pool one of her favorite activities was to launch herself off the side, knees first, into my face which would result in my injury and her dousing. Since she is much larger than she was then this is no longer feasible as the injuries that daddy sustains are of the “and now we need to ice daddy’s ribs” order and that removes us from the pool. Now she has taken to just throwing herself off the wide concrete steps that lead into the pool while shouting a catch phrase. To explain these catch phrases we must take a closer look at another of my failings as a parent.

I, like everyone else, have a distinctive speaking style. Mine could be called “interesting” or “grating” or “particularly annoying to be around” and is one of the many reasons I could not attend the Ivy League. The problem arises in that my offspring has to listen to me and since by all accounts my method of speech appears to work in the real word (e.g. the drive through attendant at McDonald’s will often get my order right) she has taken to using any moronic phrase that spills out of my addled brain that takes her fancy. For example I will, when I am about to do something that I think will be a disaster in my hands like scramble an egg, say “fire in the hole!” in sort of a muted, fake, marines-at-Iwo-Jima yell. This apparently was just the conversation enhancer that Monster X was looking for as she will shout it when occasion demands like dashing into another room or leaping from a tree or going to bed. I have been informed by her school that several of the parents were wondering where their children picked up this curious affectation and that was traced back to having been in the presence of my daughter. So it appears that I am ruining the younger generation by proxy, you are welcome.

To return to the discussion of catch phrases which I alluded to just one paragraph ago, remember those days just a paragraph ago, what one shouts when leaping to your watery death in the pool was gleaned by one of the last times she leaped on her father. As she did so, and I felt my sternum give way, I said what I thought would be appropriate last words while slipping into a watery grave. Her next leap into the pool was accomplished with a shout of “I regret nothing!” and now this has become the phrase du jour. I fully expect letters that can be at best called “threatening” from both the school and parents groups.

The pool part of going to the pool has entertainments enough like annoying lap swimmers and spraying pool water into your father’s ears but the trip also comes with the promise of the locker room. In the winter months particularly one must change into and out of one’s swimming attire at the pool and that means Monster X gets to go to see the dingy delights of the men’s locker room. Thrill to the joy of the big scale with the sliding bar device. Perform an impromptu dance number in the giant mirror whilst in middle of changing so you can shake your groove thing au naturale. Hide in terror from the thing that dries your bathing suit by making a horrible noise but be sure to point out that someone better recycle that water. “It’s good for the Earth.” The best part of the entire changing experience is after I get Monster X dressed I must also get dressed and that means I will be entangled in my clothes and free for poking. Prodding daddy’s ample mid-section is the height of entertainment and it also allows for free discussion as Monster X is of a curious nature. “Hey, it looks like a tail!” she recently shouted while I was attempting to set a land speed record for putting on swim trunks. She then paused and asked in all seriousness “Where do you poop?”

Same place that you do sweetheart. In the bathroom.

Peeing in the pool jokes are left as an exercise for the reader.

The Yuletide is now over and so we can finally announce what Monster X did and said while the power of Santa compelled her. First on our list is the Christmas pageant and here is the quick spoiler: Monster X was and is the Star Angel. The star angel, for you heathens out there, is the girl randomly selected to hold the star. I hope that clears things up for you. Since this was a random and I am suspecting unforeseen selection the Star Angel was given an assistant who kept the star in question from toppling out of the hands of the Star Angel into the lit Advent wreath and really getting the party started. At the end of the pageant the Very Reverend in attendance thanked the assembled players and from the back Monster X yelled out “You’re welcome!”, a bit of politeness that just warmed the heart.

Monster X was less forthcoming during the annual songfest at school. When Her Grandfather and I arrived the singers were massing in the hallway and she was running amok shouting “Places! Places!” A few moments later when the children began to process into the Big Room her theatrical streak had melted away. Some of you might have been looking for a video of this event to appear on this site but unless you came to see a very sad looking little Monster X hiding her face and asking if it would be OK if she didn’t sing you would want to give it a pass.

Christmas passed with the requisite celebration. Her favorite gift, as she has informed me, is the “talking Princess kitchen.” How does one play with the kitchen? You cover it in a blanket, tuck the top parts of the blanket into a shelf above and hide behind the whole contraption. You have thus created a fort from which you can spy on the other members of the household and they will remain unawares. You can then with a barely stifled giggle engage in a rousing game of “Come and Find Meeeee.”

Over at the Media of the Moment you can see a new thing of Monster X. Just something I had laying around in an unfinished state since we first got the new computer which is now a middle-aged computer if that is any indication.