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If you ask Monster X where she would like to go to dinner you are making a mistake because it is never the place you want to go. You would be looking for something sophisticated with a soothing ambiance. She would like to go to ToFu and have rice soup. Rice soup, an invention of The Colonel, consists of rice dumped into a bowl of won ton soup and Monster X will eat as much of it as you are willing to give her. She has in the past stood on her chair and bellowed in a jolly tone “more soup” at passing wait staff. That and the “pink stuff” that comes with sushi is all she wants in a meal out. If you ask her what she would like to do after dinner these days she would probably say that she wants to go to the Lab. The Lab is where the pool is, the biggest pool she has ever seen, and also the changing room with the device that dries your bathing suit. There are balls and kick boards and if you catch Daddy in the right move he will let you jump off the side into his arms and you can just go ahead and kick him in the face on the way down.

These two words collided one Saturday morning recently.

The Lab plays host to people from all over the world and those people who will be staying a while often bring their families. It is not at all uncommon to see entire families come spend an hour at the pool and one day while Monster X and were splashing about I became aware of the fact that I was the only person in the pool of non-Asian descent. Monster X is, as we all know, of half-Asian descent and apparently comes to these realizations just about when Daddy does.

Monster X: (Pausing in her splashings, looking about the pool.) Hey! It looks like Chinese dinner in here!

Scene: Nanay has just come out of the shower and is wearing a house coat. She is looking through her luggage to get her jewelry for her 50th Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza. Her luggage is in the same room as our computer which Monster X has been using. She has stopped and is giving Nanay a glance askance.

MX: (after a long pause) You are not wearing that to your ceremony, are you?

Scene: Our kitchen. Monster X is in her nightgown sitting on the counter. Until this moment she has been silently watching me make my lunch and wrap it to take to work.

MX: Lets play patty-cake!
Me: OK.
MX: (Making a series of patty-cake motions, alternately slapping my hands, her knees or clapping.)
Patty cake, patty cake
Bakers man.
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Roll it, pat it, mark it with a W
and a V
and a key
to leave a short message.

So someone who has poor judgment about everything continues exhibiting poor judgment? It is comforting when the Universe continues to tick on in a predictable fashion.

Children watch entirely too much television, that is an undisputed fact and proof that we as a Nation are going to your designated place of eternal torment in your small wicker container of choice. As a parent I have begun to notice that there is a fair amount of content on television that can be a bit beyond the delicate sensibilities of our younger audiences, and while I would in no way begrudge anyone their freedom of speech is there a reason we have to advertise “The Creeping Be-fanged Nightmare Horror of Blood That Lives in Your Closet and There Is No Way That Your Daddy Can Stop It From Killing You and a Small Clutch of Puppies Supplied Just For This Occasion at No Charge to You, Little Girl” at six in the evening? I have known the target audience for these movies and quite frankly at that hour they are just finishing their Satanic sacrifices and are moving onto the part where they read aloud from the works of Richard Dawkins.

To escape from the possibility of having to explain what that rather ashen skinned man with the barbed wire for hair was doing to that nice woman with what I take to be a chainsaw we hem closely to a select group of channels and if The Colonel is in charge that channel is Food Network. This has the advantage of being filled with programs that either entertain The Colonel or fill The Colonel with righteous indignation (I am looking at you, Sandra Beaver) which is entertaining for me. Also entertaining is the fact that Monster X has her own cooking show. The show has a decidedly improvisational feel: just her, a large green bowl and all the “spices” that she can get her hands on. The show is usually scheduled for when I am doing the dishes so I can provide the assistance that is usually provided by teamsters in more professional productions. She is invariably making “cake” which starts with flour, sea salt (”make sure that it’s fresh”) and garlic powder because she can get the lid open. She often will then call for a few eggs which is always vetoed by the stage crew causing no end of eye rolling. After mixing with water you pop it into the oven for a few minutes or an hour or overnight or whatever. According to our host this will result in “cake” but we never really find out because it is always gone when you come into the kitchen the next morning. She even offers advice for the viewer at home, my favorite being when she paused, stuck out a hip and announced “This is just perfect to make when company unexpectedly drops by.” I think it’s because this will teach them never to drop by again.